Fic: Hold My Silence (chap 3)

[casy_dee]

Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee 
Rating: T 
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst, Mentions of abuse. I don't get graphic, but it is plainly stated.
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 3/?

Chapter one is here
Chapter two is here


Chapter Three of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut   

Chapter 3

He was begging her to continue speaking, although she could plainly see he didn't like what he was hearing. She couldn't blame him for it, she didn't like it much either.

"Please, Abby?" he entreated.

"Look, you wanted to tell me for a reason, right? So why are you stopping now? It's not for me, and if that's what you are telling yourself… then you are lying. Believe me, if you have the strength to tell me, I can handle it," he argued.

Connor never pushed… but he was pushing now.

"Abby, I wish…"

She cut him off by pressing her fingers to his mouth. He was right. She was looking for any excuse not to go on. She was looking for a coward's way out again.

"It's not pretty," she warned.

He just nodded.

They were sat next to each other now instead of lying side by side, and that was a little easier. She could feel him next to her, but it wasn't as intimate. She saw him start to reach for her hand, but he settled it on his knee instead. She halfway wished he would have just taken her hand in his, but he was probably afraid to chance it. Her fault, and she knew it.

She told him about George, her mum's new boyfriend. He wasn't into drugs as bad as her mum was, and Abby and Jack thought that maybe he was going to help their mum get better. Childish hope, to wish for something so unrealistic and to actually believe it might come true. As it turned out, he liked that he could hold the threat of withholding drugs over their mum. When money was tight, he prostituted her… and she did it willingly for the drugs. Money got tighter and he got meaner, mixing the drugs with liberal doses of alcohol. George hated her and Jack… but she had learned to be small and quiet.

Jack had the worst of it at first. He had never learned to be quiet, but then again, he hadn't had to worry about what their mum's boyfriends would do to him if they ever caught him alone. She always had. She rebelled against it later on. She stood out as much as she liked with punk clothes and makeup, and bluffed her way through life, appearing outwardly tough and confidant. She learned to fight, as did Jack, and that gave her a measure of true confidence. She would never be a victim again. Not after what George had done to them both. Never again.

George had been a special breed of mean; he was different… he liked to hurt them.

The first time Jack tried to defend himself instead of just taking the blows, he had dragged Jack to the bedroom and beat him. Abby had grown so used to beatings that she simply waited for it to end so she could whisk him away out of sight afterwards. But then he began screaming, and it was different. Not just pain, but terror. George was an expert at causing pain in ways that didn't leave visible marks.

Connor's hand was no longer just resting on his knee; it was clenched in a white-knuckled fist. He was getting angry again, but she understood that it was on her behalf. Still, she wondered why it bothered him as much as it did; it was in the past. She had never seen him so upset. He stared fixedly into the fire, waiting for her to go on. She steeled herself and took a deep breath and then froze. She couldn't.

"Abby? You don't have to if it is too hard. I'll listen, but you don't have to tell me anything that you'd rather not, okay?" Connor assured her gently, but his voice was drawn tight.

She shook her head, "No. I need to tell you. It's just… I have never…"

"You never told anyone about all this?" Connor guessed.

"Yeah," she admitted.

He unclenched his fist, and this time he braved the consequences and took her hand in his. He held it gently, just allowing his hand to rest on hers… like he had done when she kissed him. Even then, she had controlled the kiss… he had just reacted.

She sighed, the next part was hardest.

George had hurt Jack badly, although Jack wouldn't tell her how. The next time he tried to drag Jack off, she tried to stop him. She never wanted to hear those shrieks come from Jack again, even if it meant he hurt her, too. She still remembered it… the evil glee when George realized she had fire enough in her to fight him off of her brother. Then she found out firsthand why Jack had screamed like that. Why it sounded like his guts were being ripped out and he had screamed like he was dying.

Connor sucked in a hard breath. His head was down and she could tell he was trying to hide the expression on his face from her. His hand in hers was still gentle, but it was shaking.

"Did he…?" Connor choked out, unable to even complete the question.

"Same as Jack," she whispered.

The veins in his neck stood out, and he was struggling hard to just sit and listen to her. She started to pull her hand from his, afraid he would be too disgusted to be near her now. He held on tightly and turned to face her. Tears tracked down his rage filled face; he was so angry he was shaking, adreniline coursing through his bloodstream.

"No. Don't you dare pull away from me with that look on your face. You didn't do anything wrong. That sick, evil bastard is the one that should be ashamed, not you," he seethed.

It was startling to see Connor so infuriated, but she was glad of it, too. Glad that he saw the injustice of it for what it was, and that he didn't blame her like Mum had when she tried to tell her. She had desperately wanted someone to be angry for her, to stand up for her then. No one had. Abby nodded finally.

"I know. Sometimes it's just…" she shrugged helplessly.

"God. How long did it go on?" he asked, a little calmer now.

"Three years," she stated flatly.

Connor growled low in his throat.

Abby stared in astonishment. "Connor?"

"What happened to stop it?" he grated.

"Jack. It was Jack. He killed him in his sleep. It was the night he made Jack watch while he… he hurt me," she whispered, seeing it all over again.

Connor made a noise of shock, but didn't comment. He carefully put his arm around her and pulled her to his chest. She let him, comforted by his warmth. This was Connor, and Connor would never hurt her. She knew it for a fact, now more than ever.

"I'm glad he's dead," Connor said quietly.

Abby nodded against his chest, "Yeah."

She let him hold her there for a while as she reflected on the twists and turns her life had taken to get her to this point. She wanted to put it behind her, but she just didn't know if it would stay there. She didn't know how to do it, or how to begin.

"There is more," she said hollowly, disengaging from his arms.

"I'm listening," he answered softly.

When she moved to pull her hand away too, he tightened his hold slightly. She let him keep it.

"He used to punch my stomach a lot. It didn't show with clothes on. The doctors said that they don't think I can ever have kids," she explained.

"And…" she continued.

Her blood ran cold. Fear… she was deathly scared of his reaction.

"And I was… I couldn't …" she sighed and dropped her head.

She just had to spit it out. Her dirty little secret. He would push her away, after he knew. Oh, he would be kind about it… it was Connor after all. But Connor for all his sweet nature and kind heart was still a man.

He was waiting. She concentrated on how his hand felt in hers. She would miss it. She wished things could be different.

"I'm a virgin… technically. And I'll likely die that way because I have never been able to tolerate anyone touching me like that. The minute it turned sexual…I couldn't bear it," Abby disclosed, shrinking in on herself.

"Your stepfather didn't…?" he whispered.

"Not like that," She barked a rough humorless laugh,"Evidence."

"Oh," he breathed.

"I'm all fucked up Connor. You need to find someone else. You deserve better than this… better than me," She insisted.

"Abby, no! I--" Connor began to argue.

"Let me finish," She interrupted.

He pressed his lips together, gave her an abrupt nod.

"I know I hurt you. I just wanted you to understand that I didn't push you away because of anything you did. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I just don't want to die without you knowing how I felt," Abby maintained.

Connor's shoulders slumped, his head hung low at her words. He didn't believe her. She owed him the full truth, after what she had put him through.

"I wish it could be me. Connor… I love you. I'm sorry," Abby admitted, her voice shaking.

Connor's head snapped up. "What? You do? But… then why?"

She shook her head, unable to speak. It was too hard.

"I don't want anyone else. I love you," Connor insisted, his voice broken and desperate.

"If it's because of the babies? Abby, I don't care about that. And if it's the other… well we can work through it, okay?" he pleaded.

"How? I have tried to date, and every time it got sexual I couldn't do it," Abby disagreed.

Connor was silent for a long while, holding her hand. She thought she might have finally gotten through to him. She loved him, and he was her best mate, and he always would be. She hoped he found someone someday… someone who was sweet like him, and kind, and would treat him like he deserved to be treated. She hoped she'd not have to see it. If they never got back to their own time, she never would. The mere thought made her stomach clench and roll.

"Did you love them? Any of those other guys?" he asked, his tense voice cutting through the silence.

"No," she replied, the answer startled out of her.

"Then how do you know it would be like that with me?" he challenged.

She stared at him… utterly confused by his words. He couldn't possibly want to be with her now, knowing what he did. She had jumped into the anomaly project without a second thought because she didn't have a life to leave behind. She knew she would never have a family.

"Can you give me a chance? Can we try? Please?" he begged.

The truth of it was, she wanted to try. Connor never gave her those warning feelings. He never triggered the choking panic that other men did, and maybe it was because she loved him. She trusted Connor. He would never ask her to do anything that she wasn't ready for.

He chewed his bottom lip and she could see him searching for a way to convince her. He met her gaze and took a deep breath.

"Do you think of me like that at all?" he asked, a flush slowly spreading across his face.

"Like how?" she asked, perplexed.

The flush deepened.

"Sexually. Do you look at me like that at all?" he charged on.

Connor had dropped his eyes to his lap, but his neck and ears were still red enough that she could tell, even in the feeble light of the dying fire.

An image of Connor bathing in the pool below the waterfall popped into her head, unbidden. She had almost swallowed her own tongue when she saw him dripping wet and glistening, his well defined tight muscles on display. Then he had noticed her and smiled that big crooked grin of his, his dimple flashing in his cheek, and her heart had stopped for a moment. Oh, yes. Hell yes.

His eyes were wide open and shocked, and she realized she had just said a large portion of that out loud. Now her face was burning, but as she saw Connor's amazed and pleased reaction she thought a little embarrassment on her part might be worth it.

"Then it can work. We can get through it. Abby, I have waited three years… I can wait three more if you need them. I just want a chance to try," he asked, hope behind his eyes.

She couldn't watch the hope die again. She couldn't do it to him.

"Okay," she agreed, terrified at the leap she was taking.

Joy lit his face, and he gifted her with another knee-weakening smile. She leaned in closer to him, captured his jaw in her hand and brushed her lips across his. Sweet and tender, he returned it. She wasn't scared anymore.

Connor would never let her fall.

TBC

 This was the ending originally, but I decided to continue this on as a chaptered fic.  You know these two, anyway... they still have a lot to work on. 

A/N: Let me tell you, Connor is no pushover when it is something that matters to him. Abby matters. Easy doesn't equal weak… and Connor is anything but weak.

 So my original plot bunny was "what if Abby was the inexperienced one in the relationship." I started trying to think of any conceivable way this girl could still be a virgin… That led me down this road… so what started as a smut bunny ended up as an angst bunny. Damn bunnies.

Thanks for reading… really want to know what you think about this one so please tell me?

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Comments

[deinonychus-1.livejournal.com]

eeek! Awwwww! And yey! More or less in that order *grin*. Poor Abby, that was horrible, hearing what had been done to her. But Connor was brilliant and supportive and I'm not surprised he was angry - he gets like that when people he cares about are hurt.

Yey for him being brave enough to push it and finally get Abby to give him a chance, and give herself a chance.

[casy-dee.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad I decided to continue this one past this chapter, and I'm very glad you like it. :)

[whuffle.livejournal.com]

I've been reading along with this story elsewhere (where there are MORE chapters posted) and I can't wait for you to continue. Opening email today to find there was a new chapter elsewhere AND an older chapter to read here was a bit like Christmas. And of course it completely derailed me from getting what I was SUPPOSED to be doing done, damn you!

[casy-dee.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I always post there first because that's where I started off writing fanfic. I'm still fairly new to LJ. Some others convinced me I sould start posting a few of my stories over here because there were readers that would enjoy them... I'm glad you are one of them. :)

Hope you like the new chapter and thank you!

[arianedevere.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful. And sad. And beautiful. And it made me cry. And it's beautiful.

'Scuse me while I nip off for a good sob.

[casy-dee.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much!!!

[knitekat.livejournal.com]

Poor Abby, it certainly would explain how she is to Connor. Connor was great and supportive.

[casy-dee.livejournal.com]

I think the writers make Abby act in such a perplexing manner sometimes... good for fic writers, though! Connor is so smitten, he'd be with her through anything. Lovely boy.

And thanks!

[fredbassett]

Poor Abby. Poor Connor as well. I suspect he doesn't entirely know what he's getting into here, though.

[casy-dee.livejournal.com]

*snorts* Nope, but he's such a sweetheart, eh? And thanks!